However, it wasn't until after I lost my spouse that I realized that "lost" can have a whole new meaning. I discovered that it was very possibly to be "emotionally lost" and "identity lost". Even though I had my faith, I still felt completely lost in my new life and identity as a widow.
For so many years I was a caregiver. Taking care of my husband was my life. I ate, drank, slept, and breathed caring for my sweetheart. My world revolved around his doctor's appointments, chemotherapy sessions, MRI appointments, medicine dosages, and physical/speech/occupational therapy. My days were spent doing whatever I could to make his life better. It was, and still is an odd feeling, no longer being a daily caregiver for my husband. I felt like I had lost my identity. I didn't know what to do anymore.
My raw emotions and pain was only compounded when someone once made the remark, "You must be so relieved that you don't have to take care of your husband anymore". Oh how that comment broke my heart. It physically caused pain, and my already raw and frail heart felt as if it would crumble.
Yes, caring for my husband was hard. It was not always pleasant or easy, and my poor body suffered from years of lack of sleep, stress, worry, and truly physical back-breaking work as I would lift his frail but long 6' 8" body from bed to wheelchair, wheelchair to car or couch, over and over gain.
The person who made that causal remark must not have realize how much I loved my husband, how much I truly loved serving and caring for him. That is what true love is. That was the commitment and covenant I had made when I married him. That is who I was. So, "no!" No, I was not relieved at all. I was hurting, desperate to be able to care for him, and aching to be needed by him again. I felt utterly and completely lost.
I was lost and knew needed to find my way back to who I once was before I became permanently lost, so I followed the counsel in Matthew 10:39 and got lost, so completely lost, that I finally had an idea of how to find myself again.
"He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it."
I tried to become so completely lost in serving others. I was desperate to find ways to serve, any form of service possible and I wanted to do it: writing quick notes to the mailman, letters to neighbors who were down, smiling at random strangers, secretly delivering groceries to a family struggling financially, scrubbing toilets for someone who couldn't physically do it them self, talking with a stranger at the park who needed a listening ear, taking a box of granola bars to handout to the homeless I saw standing on the corner, babysitting for parents so they could go on a date night, sewing teddy bears for children who had lost a beloved aunt, putting on a one person impromptu broadway musical in the car with my windows down when traffic was at a standstill and other drivers were getting frustrated and angry, just so I could give them something to smile about or sing along with while they waited. Like I said - ANYTHING I could do to take my focus off of myself and my heartache.
I noticed the days I focused on myself, MY grief, MY loss, My Pain, I would begin to spiral into a pit of despair and darkness that was difficult to overcome. I quickly found that if I immediately stopped focusing on me, and my loss, and started focusing on others, serving others, making them happier and making their life brighter, I was filled with hope and found myself again, found purpose in my life. No, my life no longer revolved around providing constant 24/7 care and service for another, as it once had, but in some small way, by serving others I had a glimpse of my old identity.
I am not saying you should completely ignore or run from your grief. That can only cause even more pain and emotional damage. It is an important part of the grieving process to feel the pain, to cry, to acknowledge your loss. However we have to be careful to not let the grief overtake our life.You must be careful not to become lost or stay lost in your grief. Instead, acknowledge your grief. Acknowledge your loss, and pain. Allow it to act as a catalyst for good, and "get lost in service".
Once you have lost a loved one, it becomes much easier to empathize with others who are going through the experience of a loss. You have the potential for a heightened sense of awareness of others who may be in need of service. If you are feeling lost, please, lose yourself in service. I promise, as you do that, you will find yourself again.
Amazing grace! How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found;
Was blind, but now I see.
’Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
And grace my fears relieved;
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed.
The Lord has promised good to me,
His Word my hope secures;
He will my Shield and Portion be,
As long as life endures.
Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess, within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.
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