Death is life's greatest teacher.  And love? Love is grief's greatest lesson. It is in losing that which we cherish most, that we learn most. Our capacity to love and grieve over those we miss supersedes whatever faults and frailties our loved one had. They simply melt away, and all that is left is the perfect person that we idolize, adore, and miss so much it hurts to breath. In a small way, I think this is how our Savior views us: all our imperfections are zeroed out through the atonement, and our achievements and good deeds magnified beyond comprehension: mercy and justice.

Regardless if you loved the person 5 years or 55 years, the lesson is the same; and the pain just as great, while the situation is vastly different. In talking with and reading about other widows, I find myself not only grieving for my sweetheart, but I also grieve for all of those experiences we never got to have together: children, family vacations, owning our own home, and anniversary milestones (10, 15, 25 years, etc...). Yet the aged widow, the child who just lost their mother, the parents who lost their sweet child in infancy, or the sweet person who never had the chance to marry in this life, grieves for things that I can't begin comprehend, all because our paths and lives are so different, yet the ultimate destination is the same. Grief is still teaching us the many lessons we need to learn along the way.

I don't seek for sympathy, only trying to express and share what I feel and am learning on my path to the top of the mountain. My hope is that my jumbled and disjointed thoughts may bless others, and that they may be willing to share what they have learned with me in return. For that is how it is meant to be among our Father in Heaven's children: we help one another, grieve with another, and learn and grown with another.

2 months and 13 days. I find myself thinking "Is that all it has been?" at the same time I think, "Can that much time really have passed already?" I have been told that the passing of time can help ease the pain, but the longing only grows deeper (wisdom shared by own sweet widowed mother). While my widowhood is still fresh, I am beginning to see the truth in her wisdom. I am finding most days are a little better than the last (but just barely). Other days, I find I have slipped and stumbled back, usually with bloody knees or a scrape here and there, but the invisible hand takes mine and urges me to continue my climb toward our ultimate destination.

At moments, my heart seems to be healing, and then fresh, raw emotions take over and it shatters again. I have come to realize in my search for peace and healing that we must approach the Savior with a broken heart and contrite spirit. If we allow, our experiences have the capacity to completely shatter our heart. This is not a bad thing. In fact, I think it is a very good thing. We have been promised if we come unto the Savior, he will give us a NEW heart.

I am learning that our Kind Father in Heaven tailors our life experiences to each child. While one may have their heart broken a little at a time, other's have their hearts shattered beyond recognition in just one single instance or experience. I think the natural man has a tendency to try and fix things on his own, without any help from anyone. But this is impossible. For those remedies are in vain. Imagine trying to fix a mirror or large piece of glass with Elmer's glue and a few band-aids. That is why we may begin to feel better for a little while, make a little progress. "Oh look, I have this corner fixed", but as we set it down it shatters all over again. That is why the promise and gift of a new heart is so important.

I know I still have a long way to go in my understanding of just how infinite and perfect the Atonement and our Savior's love really is. I am grateful for each experience, in spite of the pain and anguish I may at times feel. I must always remember the principle of compensation:

"The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude. 

One of the blessings of the gospel is the knowledge that when the curtain of death signals the end of our mortal lives, life will continue on the other side of the veil. There we will be given new opportunities. Not even death can take from us the eternal blessings promised by a loving Heavenly Father."

It is with daily constant reminders of this promise, I move forward doing all I can to qualify for the rewards of this promise. Not ever "getting over" the loss, but moving toward that ultimate goal. I again invite you to move with me, helping each other one step, one day, one experience at a time. "You lift me, and I'll lift thee, and we'll ascend together".